Advice for Living with Kids and Dogs

My 10-year-old son’s feelings are hurt because our dog seems to like my 8-year-old daughter better. To be fair, she’s more of a dog person than he is, but how can I help improve the relationship between my son and the dog?

Dogs will have a unique relationship with each member of the family. Some people, like your daughter, naturally form a strong bond with a dog, but the good news is that there are lots of easy things you can to do help your son as well.

First buy some extra-special dog treats that only he can give the dog. (Freeze-dried liver is a favorite.) He can use these treats to play simple games with the dog. One popular choice is a version of the shell game in which your son will hide a treat under one of three overturned plastic cups. Then he’ll mix up the cups and let the dog knock over the cups to find the treat. Some dogs will know immediately which cup has the treat; others will investigate every cup.

He can set up trails around the house for the dog to follow using one treat every 3 feet or so. It’s also fun for kids to teach dogs to navigate obstacles. He can encourage your dog to jump over a broom balanced on the rungs of your kitchen chairs or crawl under your coffee table. Remind him to reward the dog often so that the dog doesn’t get frustrated trying to figure out what your son is trying to teach him. Enrolling the two of them in a training class that welcomes kids would also be a great idea.

I would like to get each of my daughters a puppy. One of my neighbors said she heard it was a bad idea to adopt littermates. Is that true? Should I get the dogs from different litters?

I think having a dog is a great experience for a child, but the dog should be part of the family, not a personal pet. Your odds of dog-to-dog aggression issues are increased when you have two dogs of the same size, age, and gender. It’s quite common for littermates to not enjoy each other’s company as adults and to sometimes behave aggressively toward one another.

Friction between your daughters is another concern. Each dog is an individual, which means that one of your daughters will have a dog that is (pick a characteristic) smarter, more obedient, more social, less jumpy, less prone to chewing, more easily housetrained, and on and on.

And, as in the letter above, many times one child will be preferred by the dogs over the other. You really don’t want to have to explain to one of your girls why her dog seems to like her sister better. You want a family dog to be a shared experience, not a rivalry.

All of these factors make me strongly in favor of families adding one dog at a time and giving that dog all the attention and training it needs before adding another.

My son is receiving intensive speech therapy. He gets frustrated when our dog doesn’t respond when he asks him to sit. I don’t think the dog knows what he is saying, but I don’t want to tell him that as we are encouraging him to speak as much as possible.

Dogs communicate primarily through body language. It’s quite likely that you already use some sort of body-language cue to ask the dog to sit. Most people have a tendency to both verbally say a cue and do some sort of physical signal.

Figure out what signals your dog looks for and teach them to your son. Then encourage him to say “sit” first, and then do the physical cue. Practice with them at first so you can make sure the dog responds. By giving the verbal cue first, the dog will begin to anticipate the physical cue and respond even before it occurs.

Soon your dog will sit when your son asks, even though it sounds different from how the other family members say it. And if you have have fun practice sessions with tasty treats, your dog may soon respond to your son better than he does to anyone else, which can be very exciting for a child.

P.S. One simple way to figure out what kind of body language you use to communicate with your dog is to stand like a toy soldier, stiff with your arms at your side, and ask the dog to sit. If the dog doesn’t sit, relax your body and repeat the cue. What changed? Odds are that you nodded your head forward and moved one of your hands either upward or in a pointing motion at the dog. Notice what seems natural—that’s what your dog is watching for.

My family just adopted a 5-month-old beagle mix. Parker’s really sweet and playful, and we all love him—all of us except our 7-year-old shepherd mix that is. When Parker wants to play with Cookie, she frequently growls loudly at him. He’ll bring her toy after toy, and she’ll occasionally play tug, but most of the time, she’ll just get up and move away from him. Heaven forbid he follow her because she’ll turn around and bark in his face. She doesn’t hurt him, but it looks scary. Will we have to give up Parker?

It sounds to me like Cookie doesn’t have a lot of tolerance for puppy antics. In most cases, this isn’t a serious issue, but rather an adult dog setting down the household rules. It will help if you make sure that Parker gets lots of exercise and, if possible, opportunities to play with dogs closer to his age. Having an outlet for his energy will help.

You may also want to take Cookie in for a physical, just to rule out any health or aging issues. If you find that after a month things haven’t settled down (or at any time if they escalate), you may want to bring in a dog trainer to watch the interaction and give specific advice. But based on your description, it really sounds like Cookie is just telling Parker that she’s the queen and she’ll let him know when he has earned the right to play with her.

I have a HUGE problem. My dog is very skittish, and my 2-year old son wild. Andrew pursues her all the house. He laughs when she leaps up to move out of his way. And for some unknown reason, he just doesn't quite get the word “no” and “dog” being in the same sentence.

He is obsessed with her tail. He smacks it every chance he gets. When we all go out, he throws rocks and gravel at her.

We had the dog years before we had our son. I don't feel as though I should have to get rid of her because of him. She has never done anything back to him and gives him no reason to mess with her. I am just afraid it will turn ugly. I would hate for her to bite him, although my husband always says that if she was going to do it, she would have done it by now.

Toddlers are notoriously short of empathy. Your son isn’t mature enough to understand that he’s scaring or hurting your dog. He just likes getting a reaction.

That said, you need to do everything you can to prevent him from bothering your dog. Indoors make liberal use of baby gates, so that your dog can see and hear you, but Andrew can’t get to her. When you and Andrew are playing outside, leave her in.

When you take her out for a potty break, try giving him something to hold that he can’t throw well, like a zip-lock bag with water and a few floating toys. He can squish the bag to make them move, but the weight will make it difficult for him to throw. Keep that as your special outside toy that he can only have when your dog is outside with you (and change the floating toys from time to time to keep it interesting).

Most important, make sure you praise and reward Andrew when he interacts with the dog in appropriate ways. As much as he needs you to stop him when he’s doing something wrong, he also needs to know how pleased you are every time he is gentle and kind.

My 15-year-old wants to exercise our dog by biking beside the dog as he runs. Is that a good way to wear out our 2-year-old Chesapeake Bay retriever?

If your dog has good running manners, he might enjoy running alongside your son. I would not recommend this for a younger child, but at 15, your son is probably old enough to manage any situations that might come up.

Don’t just attach a regular leash to a bike. Instead use a specially designed attachment so that the dog is kept a safe distance from the bike’s wheels. Three popular brands are the Springer, K9 Cruiser, and WalkyDog bike attachments.

Remind your son to be cautious about wear and tear on your dog’s paw pads and to increase distances slowly so that the dog can build up endurance. I hope they have fun!

My wife and I are having a disagreement. From time to time, our dog, Mohican, will grab a napkin or Kleenex and run behind the couch. If you try to reach back to get it from her, she’ll growl at you.

I won’t tolerate a dog growling at me, so I shove the couch out of the way, grab the dog, and wrestle it from her. My wife thinks we should trade a treat for the garbage. What do you think?

Many dogs will growl (or even snap or bite) if they have something they consider valuable and someone tries to take it.

Growling is an early-warning sign. It’s possible that she may be sufficiently intimidated by your method to give up growling, but that won’t make her any more comfortable about being approached when she has something she really, really wants. In many cases, this will cause a dog to skip over her warning signals and move directly to biting. Definitely not what you want.

Also force-based methods work only for people confident enough and strong enough to carry them through. Imagine if one of your kids tried diving behind the couch to retrieve a napkin from the dog—she’s be far more likely to bite a child who attempted your maneuver.

Trading for a treat can be a good idea if the dog is taught to drop what she has so that you can safely pick it up. The best book on the subject is Mine: A Practical Guide to Resource Guarding in Dogs, by Jean Donaldson. You and your wife should read it to develop a plan that works for both of you, avoids aggressive behavior, and doesn’t scare your dog.

I’m a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and I would really like to adopt a greyhound. I have talked with a local greyhound rescue, and they have approved my application.

But everyone keeps telling me to get a Labrador because they are the best dog for kids! I like labs, but I don’t think I have enough energy to live with one. On the other hand, I definitely want a dog that will love my son.

Go for the greyhound—but make sure you choose one that is highly social (not just tolerant) with children.

There isn’t a best breed, but there are “best traits” for your family. There are laid-back labs and hyper greyhounds, so don’t choose simply by breed. Instead choose a dog that is social, gentle, tolerant, and has an energy level compatible with yours.

I’m sure the rescue group can help you identify dogs who may be good matches. Ask if they perform behavioral evaluations (or if you can hire someone to assess a dog before you adopt). Take your time. When the right dog comes along, you’ll know.

We have a busy household with three teens, and our dog, Cargo, loves everyone—sometimes too much. He always wants to be in the middle of the action.

My mother-in-law is coming to live with us because she is having trouble getting around with her walker. She loves dogs, but I’m worried about her tripping over Cargo. I don’t want to yell at him for being friendly, but my mother-in-law can’t risk a broken hip.

Dogs are quite perceptive. I would not be surprised if Cargo intuitively gives your mother-in-law the space she needs.

Borrow the walker and practice teaching your dog a “move away” cue. You can teach him not to approach anyone using the walker, but that he’s allowed to approach when the person sits down. That way he can visit with your mother-in-law without tripping her. For the first few weeks, carry treats in a fanny pack so that you can reward him for being gentle and appropriate. He’ll soon learn that he needs to moderate his behavior around her.

Be sure that he gets lots of exercise too, so that he can burn off his excess energy in appropriate ways and won’t be quite so likely to be underfoot all the time.

My 12-year-old daughter would really like us to get another dog. She loves all dogs and is very attached to our 10-year-old cocker. The cocker has had some health issues this year, so I’m worried about how my daughter will react when he dies. Is it better to get a second dog now or wait?

There isn’t a perfect answer to this question. As a teen, I was in a similar situation and convinced my mother that we should get a “companion dog” so we’d never be in the position of getting a “replacement dog.” I was very upset when my 15-year-old dog died, and, for me, it was very helpful to have another dog I was already devoted to.

You really have to consider if you would like a second dog and whether it would be too stressful for your cocker. Some older dogs are really bothered by puppy antics, so you may want to consider adopting an adult dog.

If you decide to get a second dog, remember that age has its privileges. Be sure that your cocker gets plenty of breaks from the new dog as well as some special one-on-one time. It may seem that helping the new dog settle into the household takes all your attention, but make an effort to show your older dog how much you love and appreciate him too.

I have 6-year-old twins: a girl and a boy. My daughter is afraid of dogs. So, I just adopted from the Humane Society a puppy 5 lb. terrier mix who will stay small and is very sweet. Hannah will pet Dorie if someone is holding her, but she’s still terrified if the puppy is on the ground loose. She will scream and stay on the couch—even if I have Dorie on a leash.

She says she "loves" Dorie and can't wait to come home the see her, but once there, it’s another story. I don't want to be an enabler and give into my daughter's control issues. Hannah will only pet Dorie if someone is holding her, and she’s even told me Dorie needs to go the crate or she won't come out of her room.

I know she is afraid; I used to be the same way until my parents got me a dog. Should I make her stay in my bedroom with me with the dog running loose even though I know she will freak out? I feel if I don't do this then she will never try to do more than she is doing now because of fear, but I don't want to terrorize her either.

Hi Sarah,

I think this is too much, too soon for Hannah. I don’t recommend getting a dog for a child who is afraid of dogs until after we’ve done some significant ground work to help decrease the child’s level of fear. If you haven’t seen a big improvement within a week, I would seriously consider returning the dog and enlisting some professional help to deal with your daughter’s anxiety. There is a possibility that being forced to interact with the dog can make her fears worse, not better.

The biggest challenge is that dog behavior seems unpredictable to frightened children. By asking you to hold Dorie, Hannah is really asking you to ensure nothing unpredictable or scary happens. If you want to make this work, then I think you’ll have to do everything you can to make their interactions calm and controlled (which can be challenging with a puppy!). Give Dorie lots of exercise and plenty of tempting things to chew, so that she won’t be too bouncy around Hannah.

Since your son isn’t worried about Dorie, have a conversation with both kids in which they say what they like best and least about dogs in general and about Dorie in particular. It’s nice for kids to be able to say that they like some things and not others. Add your own thoughts to the list. Maybe hearing from the two of you will help Hannah see some of Dorie’s more enticing traits while accepting that “nobody’s perfect,” so it’s perfectly okay to not like every little thing about her.

Encourage your son to do some basic training with Dorie (using treats to make it fun). Have Hannah watch from the couch. Once she sees that there are ways to interact with puppies that encourage calm and appropriate behavior, she may start to warm up a bit.

Colleen

I’d like advice about how to handle a playful dog, who is very rowdy and sees the children more as his “playmates.” My husband and sons love “rough play” with our lab pup who gets very excited, but he mouths them as his very natural way to interact and roughhouse with his “littermates.”

The men and boys in the house don’t mind this, but I sure do! It’s teaching the dog that it’s okay to nip for fun. Then he nips my younger children when he’s excited and thinks they want to play, and he’s actually pierced skin sometimes because he obviously doesn’t know how to be more careful. I can’t get the men in our house to stop playing with the dog this way, so how else do we teach him that nipping is not okay?

I am sure this is a common problem with the men and boys in homes. Several acquaintances have mentioned this same problem to me. It would be great to see more information on your site on how to handle these types of situations….overly playful dogs and teaching them the “right” ways to play with the kids.

Ah, Rita, I wish I had the magic answer for you. I live in a house full of males (husband and three sons), and it’s really difficult to convince them to moderate their behavior so that they don’t rile the dogs to the point of inappropriate behavior.

I haven’t given up though! I always teach people to recognize stress signals because I think it’s important to be able to recognize them. So I’ll say things like, “Ooh, ‘getting a lot of half-moon eye there. Time to bring it down a notch.” (Half-moon eye is when you see the whites of a dog’s eyes. There are some stress signals shown on my website in both video and photo form.)

I also talk about how it’s really hard for a dog to know what he can and can’t do with any given individual. If my 15-year-old riles the dog up and gets him jumping and mouthing, how is the dog supposed to know that he shouldn’t jump on and mouth the kids when I take him to preschools? It’s really unfair to blame a dog for not having sophisticated reasoning, but a lot of people think the dog should know that he can only do these activities with certain people. How is the dog supposed to figure that out other than trial and error?

Teach your husband and sons to “be a tree” when the dog starts getting too excited. (The tree pose is with feet firmly planted, hands clasped and held close to the body, and eyes looking down at toes. This gives clear guidance of what to do, rather than what not to do.) This body language is a cut-off signal for a dog, and most respond quickly to it.

Encourage everyone to play games with toys like fetch to keep the dog’s energy focused and channeled. Even tug can be a great game as long as you set some rules.

If you happen upon the brilliant solution to this age-old problem, I would love to hear it! It’s definitely a common problem.

My 12-year-old daughter has been asked to care for a neighbor’s dog for a week. She won’t have to walk the dog, only play with her in their fenced-in backyard. The dog is a sweet, mid-sized spaniel mix.

We also have a dog, and my daughter is good with him. Do you think she’s old enough for this job?

If your daughter is good with your dog and also knows the dog she’ll be caring for, then this might be a nice opportunity for her to take on some additional responsibility. You will need to help her though. Go with her for the first few visits to make sure she knows what to do.

Expect that you’ll need to remind her about the dog from time to time. It’s common for kids to focus so much on what they’re actually doing that they forget what they should be doing instead.

You may also need to do either the last outing at night or the first one in the morning. Typically a 12-year-old sleeps more hours per night than a dog can comfortably hold it.

One advantage of having a preteen care for a dog is that she may have more time to hang out with the dog and play than an older child’s busier schedule would allow. Dogs get lonely when their families travel. They more than just food, water, and potty breaks, so encourage your daughter to spend some time petting and playing with the dog during her visits.

My 17-year-old son gave his girlfriend a puppy, but her parents made her give it back. He now understands that he shouldn’t have given a puppy as a gift, but we are left trying to decide whether or not to keep the dog.

The puppy is adorable. We think she’s a boxer mix. We have a lab, and he’s doing well with the puppy. Actually everyone is falling in love with her, but I’m not sure I want to start all over with a puppy. My son swears he’ll do all the work, but he’s a junior in high school and will be going to college in a year and a half.

I’m really torn. Do you have any advice that may help me decide whether or not to keep the dog?

Beth in Arizona

I’m glad your son has learned (albeit the hard way) that dogs should never be given as a surprise and that each person should play an active role in choosing the dog he or she will live with.

You are right that if you keep this puppy, she will be more your dog than your son’s. So think this over carefully. You should keep this dog if you find her charming and you are willing to provide 12 or more years of care. What are you are hoping for in the coming years? Do you want to be home more or less than you are now? Are you hoping to travel frequently? Are you hoping to walk daily for exercise?

Don’t feel guilty if you cannot keep the dog. Good shelters and rescues work very hard to help dogs find terrific homes. The goal is not to find a dog a home, but to find a dog the right home. These groups can make that happen. (A donation would be appreciated.)

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Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC, author of Living with Kids and Dogs . . . Without Losing Your Mind, is America’s Kids and Canines Coach. Colleen has more than 15 years’ experience as the go-to person for parents trying to navigate kid-and-dog issues. Because a knowledgeable adult can improve every interaction between a child and a dog, Colleen is committed to educating parents, children, and dog owners on kid-and-dog relationships. For your free Dog-Savvy Kids Club Kit, visit www.dogsavvykidsclub.com.

Questions can be sent to Colleen@LIVINGwithKIDSandDOGS.com.